Breakup Advice

Are you married and sometimes think to yourself “My husband hates me”?

Every so often, we explore what people are talking about around the web in regards to relationships and breakups. Well today, we came across an interesting discussion sparked by a woman who said just that – “My husband hates me.”

Now, that is a powerful and tragic statement. And yet there is no doubt that it expresses a painful truth:

There are many marriages in which a person perceives that they are hated by their husband or in which, sadly, it is actually true.

The natural next question if you find yourself in a situation like that is “What do I do?” So let me give some thoughts on that question.

The first step, as is so often the case with perceptions and feelings, is to take a deep breath and try, to the best of your ability, to figure out if what you believe is accurate or if perhaps you are misreading the situation. There are many reasons you might misread such a situation. For instance:

• You may be projecting. This happens when you actually are feeling the dislike for the other person, but cannot admit that to yourself. So instead your mind sort of reverses things and convinces you that the other person is the one that dislikes you. This allows you to see yourself as the good person or it helps rationalize why you might be justified if you do dislike them.
• You may simply be misunderstanding. Have you ever played that game of telephone where, as the message gets passed from one person to another, it becomes more and more inaccurate? Well a similar situation can happen even between just two people when communication isn’t handled well. Perhaps your husband is angry at someone else or upset about some situation separate from you and you are misinterpreting his feelings as being about you.

It’s important to at least consider that you might be misunderstanding. But it’s also important not to go so far that you invalidate yourself and lose trust in your perceptions completely. It’s best to take a balanced approach.

If you do this and still feel it is likely that your perception is accurate, then it’s time to take the next step.

The next step is to determine if it is safe to talk to your husband about this. Ideally, you could share with him your concerns and work things out together. It may not be an easy conversation to have, but it could be very beneficial. However, this can only happen if you trust that you would not be in any danger. If the relationship has been abusive or your husband has a bad temper and you are fearful, then there may be other steps to take first.

One good step that you might want to consider is to see a therapist to discuss what you are perceiving. A good therapist may be able to help you gradually separate fact from fiction, determine whether there is a chance to communicate with your husband about your feelings and decide how to do it, as well as help support you through the process.

Another step that we would recommend is reading the section in Getting the Love You Want that describes the Container Exercise. This is an exercise that may really help you better understand the role of anger in relationships. Hatred, such as that you perceive coming from your husband, almost always involves anger at the root. And handling anger in relationships is an important and valuable skill.

If your marriage, even if imperfect, is at least safe, there is a chance not only to resolve the anger, but to channel it into a better relationship in the long run. The energy trapped in anger can often be used for growth when it is released in a wise, controlled manner, as is done with the Container Exercise. Healthy, mature communication is the absolute essential key.

However, hatred involving a person with poor impulse control or who is capable of violence can be very dangerous. And if you feel you are in danger, then the most important thing is to first protect yourself. Nothing else beneficial can happen without a foundation of safety.