Breakup Advice

Many people ask how to fix a relationship. But there is no one single answer because there are so many different types of relationship problems.

We can start by dividing troubled relationships into two categories, however.

• Category 1: Relationships where both partners are interesting in fixing relationship problems
• Category 2: Relationships where one partner wants to fix the relationship and the other does not or is indifferent

Let’s start with the second category. If your relationship falls in this category and you’re reading this article, we can assume you are the partner that wants to know how to fix your relationship because you’re the one interested in doing so. Your partner is distant and does not seem willing to be active in the healing process.

In this situation, you first have to accept the frustrating reality that you cannot force another person to care no matter how strongly you care. You may be unable to persuade this person to participate in fixing the relationship.

However, even in that case, the best thing you can do is work on yourself. If you improve yourself, your partner may start to take notice. This is especially true because those who wish to fix relationships are often the partners that crave closeness while their partners crave space. As you begin to focus more on yourself, your partner will start to feel the breathing room and may relax and eventually seek a little more closeness.

Even in the worst case scenario where your partner never takes an interest again, you can end the relationship already on the path to becoming a stronger person by yourself and in future relationships.

But there are ways you might be able to encourage your partner to join in healing the relationship. One of the most important is to consider what their biggest fears in the relationship are and working to assuage them. Many times, the more distant partner fears engulfment or being overwhelmed by attention and demands on them. If you communicate to your partner that you understand their need for space and prove to them that you can respect it, then you may have more leverage to ask for them to participate in fixing the relationship when you are together.

There are few more frustrating situations to be in than to be in a relationship that you sincerely wish to fix and in which you are putting forth effort to do so with a partner who is unwilling to do his or her part. The bottom line is that you can only work on yourself, express your willingness to respect your partner’s space within reason and then ask them to please participate in the healing process. At that point you simply have to accept that other people make their choices and those choices have consequences. If you’ve done the best you can, then you can hold your head up high regardless of the outcome.

Now let’s consider the first category, in which both partners want to fix the relationship. In this case, it is all about communication and exploration. First you need to communicate to try to zero in on and define what the key problem is. There are many classic problems in relationships that usually stem from some dichotomy where the partners each fall on opposite sides.

We’ve already mentioned one such dichotomy in which one partner values closeness and the other space. Here are some other dichotomies that might be at play in your relationship trouble:

• Wanting to go out more vs. stay in more
• Wanting to spend money freely vs. save frugally
• Wanting to analyze situations more vs. make spontaneous choices
• Wanting things scheduled vs. wanting to play it by ear
• Wanting strict rigid values vs. wanting tolerance and free thinking

Are any of these what has you at odds? If not, talk together about what difference really lies at the heart of your conflict.

Once you have the problem well-defined, then work to become conscious of where this difference began.

Some of these differences have to do with innate temperaments that cannot easily be changed. In that case, you should try to find ways to compromise so neither partner’s preference takes precedence all of the time.

Others of these differences are not innate, but were picked up in the course of your development. They may stem from the values of your families or from rebelling against those values. Try to become conscious of the path that led to these characteristics that are currently at odds. Can you remember the earliest instance of feeling that way? Tell each other your stories and you might find yourself gaining a great deal of compassion and compromising more naturally.

Regardless of the other details of your relationship difficulty, there are two recommendations that are just about always worthwhile.

1. Whether alone or as a couple, find the best relationship therapist you can.
2. Read, alone or together, Getting the Love You Want and the Getting the Love You Want Workbook. These books will bring you tremendous insight and offer you powerful tools that you can use by yourselves or along with a therapist. They will also help you in figuring out what kind of therapist would be most helpful to you.

Fixing a relationship can be a very complex, but rewarding, endeavor. Let us know in the comments section what you think about this topic. What approaches have worked or not worked for you in trying to figure out how to fix a relationship?

On one of the breakup advice forums that I often read, someone recently requested advice about an interesting pattern in her relationship.

She said that every time she and the man she is dating had a great period of time together, and she began to feel that they were going to become more consistently close, he would, just at that moment, suddenly go into what she called “complete hibernation.” By this, she meant that he would back off and stop contacting her for an extended period of time. If she asked why he did this, he would make excuses and maintain his distance.

Yet, as soon as she accepted this distance, he would suddenly make an aggressive return, calling her often and jealously demanding answers regarding her whereabouts and activities.

She wanted to understand why he constantly repeats this back and forth maneuver. She wondered why he wouldn’t just decide once and for all to either become closer or distance himself. For her, either of these decisions would make more sense and be easier to handle.

Instead, as it is, she finds the “consistent inconsistency” confusing. She also finds that, during the periods where he is out of communication, it makes planning her life quite frustrating. While she would prefer to spend time with him if given the choice, she also doesn’t want to constantly hold off on making other plans just on the off chance that he is suddenly going to swing back to closeness.

Attachment Theory

I responded to the forum poster by explaining that this sounded like a pretty classic case demonstrating the two poles of attachment style. Since attachment theory and related issues are so crucial for anyone interested in breakup advice to understand, I will elaborate here in more detail on what I touched on in that response.

As human beings, as for many animals, attachment is one of the first phenomena we encounter as we enter this world. A baby’s entire life and emotional state can hinge on where its attachment to caregivers lies on a spectrum that includes:

• Insecure, tenuous and unpredictable
• Secure, safe, and healthy
• Overbearing, smothering and violating

Many different psychologists have highlighted the crucial importance of attachment dynamics in early life:

• The very first of Erik Erikson’s developmental stages is “Trust vs. Mistrust”, which revolves around whether the infant can rely on its caregivers to meet its needs without neglect or violation.
• In Imago Relationship Therapy, a system highly recommended on this blog, founder Harville Hendrix lists Attachment as the very first task by which we are tested as infants.
• British psychologist and psychiatrist John Bowlby pioneered the formal study of attachment theory in the mid-20^th century.

The Influence of Adaptations to Early Attachment Wounds

The style of attachment we experience both early in life, as well as throughout childhood development, can have lasting consequences. If a child experiences a secure, safe and healthy attachment with caregivers, he or she is much more likely to develop the trust that forms the basis for similar attachments later in life. However, because attachment to caregivers is so crucial to a child’s survival and development, any failure in that area can be perceived as terrifying and (sometimes quite accurately) potentially life-threatening. If the resulting wounds go unresolved, they can lead to the development of deeply entrenched fears and coping mechanisms that continue to affect later adult relationships.

Specifically, they may lead to an adult who either fears abandonment, fears engulfment or fears both simultaneously or in alternating fashion.

Fear of Abandonment

On one hand, we have the child whose needs are neglected. Such a child may feel deeply abandoned and, in later relationships, may fear above all a return to such a state of abandonment, in which the silence and solitude allow the resurfacing of their buried unconscious pain. They may, therefore, act very clingy in intimate relationships and require frequent “check-ins” and reassurances that their partner is still present and engaged in the relationship. They may also become suspicious at the slightest perceived signs of distance, which may trigger all of their worst fears and memories of prior abandonments throughout life.

Fear of Engulfment

On the other hand, we have the child who is physically or emotionally violated or smothered by an overbearing caregiver. Quite opposite from the person who fears abandonment, this person may, in later relationships, become highly uncomfortable with closeness and intimacy, which raise the fear of being overwhelmed and trapped. They may be so sensitive due to their past experience that even a healthy level of closeness seems to them dangerously suffocating. Therefore, this person may emotionally close up and either metaphorically or literally back away to attempt to find some breathing room and protect themselves from becoming submerged.

Alternating Fears of Abandonment and Engulfment

Imagine a child that grows up with one parent that is neglectful and another that is violating and smothering. Or imagine a child whose parents are neglectful at times and then overcompensate at others with smothering closeness. Such scenarios could lead to a person that fears both abandonment and engulfment. In later relationships, these two fears may repeatedly drive them toward and away from their partner like a pendulum as they are alternately triggered by various events.

And this is what I suggested may be happening with the partner of the person seeking advice on the forum. I suggested that when she is close with her partner for a period of time, he may begin to fear engulfment and back off. But then, at some point, as his unconscious memories of loneliness and neglect threaten to emerge, his fear of abandonment may kick in and prompt his aggressive and panicked return to her.

The Central Role of Attachment Styles in Attraction

Where things really get interesting is when we consider the notion, put forth by Harville Hendrix in Imago Relationship Therapy, that, counterintuitive as it may sound, people often attract each other precisely because of their differing attachment styles. In fact, according to Hendrix, the very purpose of romantic relationships is for people with seemingly incompatible attachment fears to engage with each other, come to understand their fears consciously, and then work to help each other resolve the underlying past issues that created them. In his view, this incompatibility is actually a complementarity that offers an opportunity for mutual healing of past attachment wounds.

So, for example, a person who fears engulfment may be attracted to a person who fears abandonment. The person who fears abandonment would then demand more closeness than their partner is comfortable with. And the other partner would demand more space than is comfortable for the one fearing abandonment. According to Hendrix, this moment of truth is the very reason for the relationship’s occurrence. It is meant to test whether they will commit to healing each other’s past wounds so that they can ultimately strike a healthy balance of closeness and distance with which both can be comfortable.

Responding Optimally to Attachment Fears

So, as I told the forum questioner, her relationship is now at a crucial crossroads and facing an important test of the very kind discussed in “Breakup Advice on Relationship Challenges: Signal to Breakup or Crucial Testing Phase?”

The ideal scenario is if she and her partner can communicate about, and both become conscious of what is driving, his inconsistent behavior – that past attachment wounds are being triggered, leading to a variety of related abandonment and engulfment fears. Then, when the fears arise, instead of blindly acting on them, they can catch themselves in the act and realize the opportunity to build courage and learn skills – such as those presented in Keeping the Love You Find and Getting the Love You Want – to address the underlying root issues. In other words, the relationship can become a foundation for healing those fears, rather than repeatedly succumbing to them.

But of course, for this to happen, both people must agree to partially let down their defenses and at least display a desire to overcome their trust and attachment fears. If her partner is not willing to make these minimum commitments, and instead continues to blindly race back and forth, even after healthier alternatives are presented, she may have to make the difficult decision to breakup.

For a couple willing to work at developing a healthier relationship together, the emergence of conflict driven by attachment issues can actually provide an incredible opportunity. But if either partner is not willing to take a constructive approach, it can ultimately be the test that proves the relationship untenable.

I read through many breakup advice forums featuring discussions about relationship issues. Though it may take a variety of forms, there is one question that comes up repeatedly in those discussions:

“I’m suddenly having challenges with my partner. Should we breakup?”

And, in my view, there is one very solid answer to that question:

“It depends.”

Let me qualify that. If the relationship is seriously abusive, then the answer may be that it is at least time to separate and seek safety immediately. But, in any case other than that, challenges in a relationship may, but do not necessarily, mean that you are incompatible. Knowing what to do when a relationship hits such rough spots requires a certain amount of testing.

There are two key factors to keep in mind when thinking about relationship challenges.

• Relationships Go Through Phases – In Disney-type films, the movie often ends just as the Prince and Princess are beginning their relationship. We rarely get to check in and see how they are doing even one year later. Perhaps this contributes to the fantasy that relationships are supposed to be smooth sailing forever.

  In reality, there is a period of infatuation where it seems our partner can do no wrong. But it is completely normal that, in time, that phase of seeming perfection wears off. The relationship enters a second stage where we start to see things in a new light and notice problems we may have overlooked before. We may face challenges with our partner, perhaps for the first time. Again, this is completely normal. In fact, if you wait for a relationship where this never happens, you could be waiting for a very long time.

• This Second Relationship Stage Presents Tests That Can Help Us Grow and Develop – If a relationship goes on to be very serious and long-term, the partners are almost certainly going to face challenging situations together. In fact, supporting each other through challenges such as financial difficulties, the death of loved ones or the raising of a child are some of the most important benefits of having a partner in the first place.

  But how well will a couple handle these inevitable challenges if they have never learned to face challenges together earlier in the relationship? When difficulties arise after the infatuation starts to wear off, consider it a chance not to just breakup, but to put to the test how willing and able you both are to learn to work as a team to overcome obstacles together. Consider it like the beginning of training camp for the serious, but often rewarding, challenges that will face you if you do succeed as a couple.

  • Can you work together as a problem-solving team?
  • What talents do each of you bring to the table to help find solutions?
  • Are you able to communicate constructively about sensitive issues?

  Your first relationship challenges are your first opportunity to begin finding the answers to these types of crucial questions. It is in finding these answers that you will discover whether you have the potential to grow up together as long-term supportive partners or whether it may be time to breakup.

Now, any breakup advice worth its salt must admit that the right attitude alone isn’t enough. Even if you approach relationship challenges with these very healthy mindsets, solving the problems you face also requires eventually succeeding in accurately identifying the nature of the relationship problem and acquiring the right skills and tools to address it. You will need to undergo a learning period to figure out what really lies behind your particular difficulty. You may need to research books or resources, such as this website and others, which can help you identify what is really going on. You may also need to seek out certain tools – such as the ones we will share with you over time – that are needed to address the problem.

These things take time. And so it is perfectly alright that you and your partner may not actually be able to solve the problem immediately. What is important is that in attempting to carry out these tasks as a team, you will ultimately find out if you have a partner that is willing to consistently work to improve themselves and the relationship. And that is what can make all the difference. While the situation may still be painful or difficult until it is solved, if you have a partner who is as committed as you are to making things work, and willing to put in the effort as a team to do it, your relationship can ultimately end up even stronger than before.

If you are truly committed to solving the issue, then even if you can’t find the path on your own, you may seek out others, such as a talented counselor or therapist, that can help jumpstart your understanding of what is happening and help guide you toward internalizing the necessary habits and skills.

If you take this type of a constructive approach to your relationship challenges, there are only a few outcomes that are likely.

• Ideally, your partner will agree that it is worth doing the work to solve the puzzle together and the patient, steady journey of doing so will build the relationship in ways you couldn’t have imagined.
• Or, perhaps you will start to learn and practice healthier skills on your own and your partner, seeing you do so habitually for a reasonable amount of time, will eventually pick up on your role modeling and join in.
• If you take the time to learn what is necessary to give change a chance and your partner, even after a reasonable period of time, still refuses to participate, then you will have found out through your testing that you are incompatible on the most fundamental issue – the willingness to work cooperatively as partners. At that point, you may still breakup. But you will do so with the peace of mind of knowing that you fully fulfilled your part in trying to make the relationship work and with newfound knowledge and skills that will improve your life in many areas forever, even without this person in your life. And, moreover, you will begin your next relationship with an even better chance of handling it wisely.

In fact, when your friends notice your improved communication and relationships skills, it probably won’t be long before you will find them coming to you for breakup advice, asking:

“I’m suddenly having challenges with my partner. Should we breakup?”

And you’ll actually know how to answer them.