Comments on: Handling the Pain of Being Passed Over: Reader Question https://www.breakup-advice.org/breakup-advice/handling-the-pain-of-being-passed-over Insight on Wisely Handling Breakup and Separation Thu, 24 Aug 2017 20:59:41 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.0 By: admin https://www.breakup-advice.org/breakup-advice/handling-the-pain-of-being-passed-over/comment-page-1#comment-1866 admin Thu, 09 May 2013 21:16:27 +0000 http://www.breakup-advice.org/?p=600#comment-1866 I think you are doing the right thing by going "no contact" and you seem to realize that too. It's painful, but the least painful option and will be most to your benefit in the long run. It can drive you crazy trying to figure out the other person's motivations and emotional changes. There are a variety of possible explanations. But unless they are willing to tell you what is driving them it remains a mystery - and that is even assuming they themselves understand. As far as trust in the future, I think the lesson is to listen to the words but watch the actions too and make sure someone's actions match their words for an extended period of time that includes some stressful situations. It's easy to say nice things and follow through when things are new and blissful. But over time, someone's true character comes out when there are challenges. I hope some of the recommended books help. They're really great resources I think you are doing the right thing by going “no contact” and you seem to realize that too. It’s painful, but the least painful option and will be most to your benefit in the long run. It can drive you crazy trying to figure out the other person’s motivations and emotional changes. There are a variety of possible explanations. But unless they are willing to tell you what is driving them it remains a mystery – and that is even assuming they themselves understand.

As far as trust in the future, I think the lesson is to listen to the words but watch the actions too and make sure someone’s actions match their words for an extended period of time that includes some stressful situations. It’s easy to say nice things and follow through when things are new and blissful. But over time, someone’s true character comes out when there are challenges.

I hope some of the recommended books help. They’re really great resources

]]> By: TheMag https://www.breakup-advice.org/breakup-advice/handling-the-pain-of-being-passed-over/comment-page-1#comment-1844 TheMag Thu, 09 May 2013 03:53:59 +0000 http://www.breakup-advice.org/?p=600#comment-1844 Thank you fort your response. I have decided not to write any final letter, because I think he must know what I think of him, but that I have to move on. In fact, I texted him asking him nicely to please leave a book of mine he has on my porch, because I caught my self having fantasies about using the book as an excuse to contact him in a few months, and that maybe we would meet then and....I think that hope would only prolong my agony. He responded,after many hours, only with "ok". One thing I left out was that after our final meeting I emailed him that I was worried about him and that I wanted to know that he wasn't feeling awful about himself and our parting. He responded that my email was beautiful, I am beautiful, and that "You are still in my heart and I am still here". This was all very confusing, but I now believe he was just trying to be kind. If he was missing me, he would have said so when I said I was missing him. But he didn't he made a joke about it. The fact is he chose someone else and left, so that last time we talked, when I confronted him about the meaning of the flowers, I told him his previous words,"I am still here" is annoying, because I'm looking, and I don't see him. I worry a bit that if I had not confronted him, maybe things would have developed again. But I could not wait and hope for that. I am worried that I won't be able to trust in the future when a man says affectionate, complimentary things to me, that I will feel they might be empty, patronizing words. He seemed so sincere and genuine, but he left. I do plan to read your recommended books. Thank you fort your response. I have decided not to write any final letter, because I think he must know what I think of him, but that I have to move on. In fact, I texted him asking him nicely to please leave a book of mine he has on my porch, because I caught my self having fantasies about using the book as an excuse to contact him in a few months, and that maybe we would meet then and….I think that hope would only prolong my agony. He responded,after many hours, only with “ok”.

One thing I left out was that after our final meeting I emailed him that I was worried about him and that I wanted to know that he wasn’t feeling awful about himself and our parting. He responded that my email was beautiful, I am beautiful, and that “You are still in my heart and I am still here”. This was all very confusing, but I now believe he was just trying to be kind. If he was missing me, he would have said so when I said I was missing him. But he didn’t he made a joke about it. The fact is he chose someone else and left, so that last time we talked, when I confronted him about the meaning of the flowers, I told him his previous words,”I am still here” is annoying, because I’m looking, and I don’t see him.

I worry a bit that if I had not confronted him, maybe things would have developed again. But I could not wait and hope for that. I am worried that I won’t be able to trust in the future when a man says affectionate, complimentary things to me, that I will feel they might be empty, patronizing words. He seemed so sincere and genuine, but he left. I do plan to read your recommended books.

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