Today we respond to a question from a woman who, along with her partner, really wants to salvage their relationship, but is struggling to trust him after he cheated. As you’ll read in our response, it may still be possible for this relationship to become a source of healing and growth for the two of them, but it requires that they be willing to engage in certain work. This question and the response contain lessons for anyone dealing with trust issues in a relationship where one partner is intensely driven to seek security in the relationship and the other partner is, at least periodically, intensely driven to create space.
The reader writes:
Hello,
I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for a little over 3 years.
About a year into the relationship I became very insecure and needed to be with him all of the time. I was always worried that if I wasn’t there he would meet someone else and leave and/or cheat. I recognized this behavior was unhealthy but I couldn’t control my emotions or need to be around him and loved by him.
We broke up for about a month, but we ended up getting back together after a long discussion about our wants and needs. Our relationship was okay after that. I did have doubts and fears but was able to manage my emotions.
But recently about 2 months ago I caught him with another woman at a party we were both at. He blamed the alcohol and promised that he loved me and that it was a huge mistake. I made the decision to forgive him and try to make things work.
But, ever since then I am constantly worried about what he’s doing, who’s he texting. I question everything that he’s said since the beginning of our relationship. I’m scared to leave the house and do my own thing because I’m worried that he will cheat. I try to suppress those thoughts and ignore them but I believe I have fallen into a severe depression. The only thing that makes me feel better is him, even though he is the source of my sadness.
We had a long talk about breaking up because I’m not sure if I will ever trust him again. Especially because I had trust issues and poor self esteem before this incident. Neither one of us wants to leave the other but we see no other option.
Is it possible that we can turn this relationship around and rebuild the trust? I know I am also co-dependent and rely on him to make me happy. Is it possible to get through both of these issues? Is it a lost cause and I need to break up in order to heal and learn from my mistakes in order to have a healthy future relationship?
And our response:
Thank you for writing.
What I see most clearly in your story are signs of attachment issues that are surfacing for you at various times. Specifically, you seem to have an intense fear of abandonment. And you are with a partner who triggers this fear of abandonment quite strongly, both through the behavior you sense he may be capable of and through actual actions he’s taken.
This may feel like a very incompatible situation. And on the surface it is. However, as we learn in Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix, this interaction between your fear of abandonment and his fear of engulfment – his dislike for feeling trapped or stifled, which leads him to seek escapes or exits outside the relationship – is likely why you were attracted to each other in the first place and provides an opportunity for you both to heal if you’re willing.
Your fear of abandonment, which you brought into the relationship, and his fear of engulfment, which also likely predates the relationship, probably stem from your childhoods. They are issues that you are both unconsciously seeking to heal and you unconsciously recognized each other as partners who can surface this unfinished business for each other. That surfacing is painful and, if not processed properly, can simply lead to further wounding. But, if dealt with using the proper tools, it can be the gateway to the two of you helping each other become more whole.
My advice is to first read Getting the Love You Want. This book will provide you with more specific clarity on what is really going on in the relationship. Once you’ve read it, see if you can encourage your partner to read it too. If he will also read it, that will be very helpful as you can develop a shared understanding of what is happening and how to potentially address it. In that book, you will also learn about the methods that can be used to begin to heal, ideally along with your partner, but also, if he won’t cooperate, then initially by yourself.
Once you have this understanding and start to put in place these optimal methods, you will have a more valid test running of what is possible with your partner in this relationship. If you gain that deep insight, begin to practice the most effective methods, and he still is unwilling to cooperate even to the minimal degree necessary, then you will feel more secure in a decision to leave the relationship, if necessary. On the other hand, if he shows signs of willingness to participate in that healing, even if only in small beginning steps, then you can build from there.
I hope that advice helps.
And if you or anyone reading this, anywhere in the world, wish for more detailed and personal support with your situation, just contact us to discuss the possibilities for coaching sessions on the phone or Skype. In those sessions, we can work hand in hand to help you more clearly understand the dynamics of your situation, strategize the best way forward for you and your partner and turn what can be a painful moment into a major catalyst for growth in your life.
All the best to you and feel free to share your thoughts in the comments.
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