Breakup Advice

If my boyfriend is depressed, what should I do?

This is a question that many people in relationships ask. It is understandable because when you really care about someone and believe that you see them consistently feeling down, there can be mixed emotions.

On one hand, if you are a very compassionate person, you probably feel some motivation to help your partner.

On the other hand, even the most compassionate person can eventually reach their wit’s end and, if the person’s depression seems intractable, wonder if they should finally break up with them.

Let’s take a deeper look at this topic.

First of all, it is important to recognize that the word depressed is often used to describe a variety of different things. When you say my boyfriend is depressed, you may not be quite accurate.

If you perceive your boyfriend as regularly experiencing feelings of sadness or melancholy, it could indicate any of the following:

• Your boyfriend is grieving a loss of some kind
• Your boyfriend is using some substance or substances that are affecting his mood
• Your boyfriend has an undiagnosed medical condition with mood-related symptoms
• Your boyfriend has a history of abuse or neglect that is unresolved

It is also possible that your boyfriend has a chemical imbalance of the neurotransmitters in his brain, which is what many of us immediately think of when we believe a person is consistently depressed. But it is important not to just assume this is the case.

There are some people – and your boyfriend may be one of them – that are just temperamentally less excited and active and seem depressed to others when there is nothing actually unhealthy about them. So make sure to consider this possibility also.

And, finally, you may be misinterpreting the situation entirely and reading in depressed feelings where they really aren’t.

The lesson is not to jump to any conclusions. It can take time and a lot of communication to discover what is really going on.

Once you realize this, you can open up communication with your boyfriend. Let him know that you care about him and that, because of this, you want to understand better how he is feeling and let him understand better how you perceive the situation. Tools like Intentional Dialogue, as described in Getting the Love You Want, can be extremely helpful in facilitating such sensitive discussions.

If the depression you are perceiving is not actually there, if you have been misinterpreting it or if it stems from addressable issues in the relationship itself, this communication may go a long way in getting to the bottom of the problem.

But, if the depressed feelings are real and serious or if you cannot figure out what is going on, it may be best to support your partner in seeking professional help. Love alone does not qualify you to treat what may be a medical condition. So the most loving thing you can do in such a circumstance is stand behind him as he gets assistance from someone trained in these areas, just as you would if he had a broken leg.

The biggest challenge you will have is deciding what role you want to play – or is appropriate for you to play – in your partner’s attempts at recovery. A balanced approach is healthiest. It is perfectly reasonable for you to want to help and to offer support. At the same time, you must realize that you can only help so much. You must be watchful that you don’t use your boyfriend’s problems as an excuse to avoid dealing with your own issues and excessively indulge in feeling needed and wanted, which can signify codependence. And you must remember that you can only really be a healthy support if you are taking care of yourself, as well.

The hardest step may take place in relationships where the boyfriend’s feelings are causing difficulty for his partner, but he is unwilling to respond and make any changes. If this persists too long and you have given all the support you can, then you are well within your rights to consider breaking off the relationship. You don’t have to be stuck saying “My boyfriend is depressed” for the rest of your life. You deserve a healthy relationship or, at the very least, a partner who is willing to work to make it healthy.

Today we have a reader question that touches on the issue of enmeshed relationships.

If you have a question too, feel free to contact us and, when you do, please let us know if we have permission to post your question – with any changes necessary if you wish to protect your anonymity – along with our response.

Today’s question, posted with the reader’s permission, arrived in an email entitled “Cheering each other up” and reads as follows:

I’ve recently just had a break up, it wasn’t too long a relationship, 11 months, but very intense, especially the beginning. Your page has some really useful information. The question/dilemma I have, that perhaps other people often come across is that, I love my girlfriend very much, and when she gets down I want to make her happy, but sometimes life might hit her hard and she will be down for some time, I will try to cheer her up but sometimes feels like a real struggle and this will make me sad that she is sad then we are both stuck in a rut. Have you got any advice to prevent this situation in the future?

And our response:

Well the first things that cross my mind when I consider enmeshed relationships, of which this may be an example, are identity and boundary issues. If her mood is affecting you too much and you are unable to separate your feelings from hers, you may be identifying too much with her and having unhealthy boundaries. Obviously it is perfectly reasonable and healthy to identify with and open your boundaries to someone you are in a relationship with to some extent. If they are down for an extended period, it’s certainly reasonable and even expected that you will feel somewhat down about this too at times. But ultimately it isn’t helpful to either person for you to identify or become enmeshed to the extent that your feelings blend with theirs. The fact that you say it is so intense from the very start is also a sign that identity and boundary issues may be involved.

The next thing to consider is who you are attracting. Are you attracting women repeatedly that have a pattern of being depressed for long periods? If so, you may want to think about why this pattern exists. Do you have a rescuer complex where you, consciously or unconsciously, hope to be a woman’s savior and have her eventually come to look up to you as the person who fixed her? If so, you may want to rethink this strategy. For one thing, many people who are constantly depressed have deeper issues than a relationship alone, especially without the help of therapy, can fix. In addition, this is really not fair to you since you also deserve someone to be there for you and pick you up at times and, if they are constantly in the dumps, you will always be giving more than you receive, which, over time, chips away at your own energy and self-esteem. Your email was titled “Cheering each other up” but the email itself only talks about you cheering her up.

Depending on what you discover when you think about these topics, you may want to look into the theme of codependence, which plays out in many enmeshed relationships. Or you may ask yourself sincerely if these issues apply and find that they don’t. Only you can answer that. If they do not, then there are some other things that could be considered. But this is a good starting point.

One of the most important areas of breakup advice is advice on getting over a broken heart.

After a breakup, people may experience a spectrum of emotions ranging from joy or relief at being free to extreme pain that makes it difficult to function. If you are one of those experiencing the more unpleasant side of the breakup emotions, we will be providing support and answers for you on this website over time.

The first question to ask in getting over a broken heart is “What exactly does my broken heart actually represent?” You see, ‘broken heart’ is a very vague term that is used to describe what are in reality several different conditions. These conditions most commonly include healthy heartbreak, depression and relationship addiction withdrawal.

The distinction between these three forms of breakup pain was explored in depth in an earlier piece called “Is it Healthy Heartbreak, Depression or Relationship Addiction Withdrawal?”

The pain of a breakup may also stem, to some extent, from and bring awareness of other underlying conditions ranging from personality and mood disorders to the manifestations of unresolved past abuse or abandonment.

It is important to distinguish which of these conditions is actually behind your experience of a broken heart.

The first secret to getting over a broken heart, then, is that, in order to know the best treatment or action to take to resolve the pain, you need an accurate diagnosis of what underlies that pain. Not all breakup pain is the same!

The second secret to getting over a broken heart is that, in most cases, the goal should not simply be to ‘get over it’, per se. The goal should really be to use the broken heart as a launching pad to longer term health. You see, if you ‘get over’ a broken heart by simply drowning out, suppressing or denying the pain, it may only go underground to haunt you later in various ways. The key to truly getting over it is to undergo healthy grief and healing.

In the future we will discuss more about this important and eternal relationship issue. For now, these two keys will set you on the right path toward getting over a broken heart in the healthiest way possible.