I think it’s healthy to have some feelings of loss when a meaningful relationship ends. And they can last for a long time at a moderate manageable level, perhaps even for life. But if it’s not dissipating at all and after 10 years feels the same as the day it happened, I would suspect that the underlying wounds that were responsible for and triggered by the attraction remain seriously unresolved. If I were you, I’d seek some support to look into the “psychological infrastructure” from which this experience continues to emerge, which may involve issues that go way back in your life, perhaps to very early on in your family.

If you’d like to look into this further with me, email me and we could set up a time to do a free hour session and talk about it.

I’ll be glad to speak with you.

When you or anyone else reading this wants to get in touch with me, there is a button in the header for the Contact Us page. So you can always reach me that way.

But I’m going to also go ahead and send you an email right now. Looking forward to talking with you.

Think of it like an athlete. When you have wounds and injuries that aren’t healed, you fear hurting yourself again more easily. So what top athletes do is rehabilitate themselves. For example, they build up the strength of the muscles around the injured area so it has more support. This is the kind of thing that a good therapist and/or coach can help you with. That way you won’t be quite as vulnerable to being hurt. And you’ll also probably make wiser decisions.

If you’d like to explore the options, drop me a line. I’m happy to talk to you (or anyone looking for some support and guidance) free of charge to see if there is a way for us to work together to help you gain more understanding about the situation and tools for better handling it.

That was very kind of you. I am not sure what I want to do about it. I am afraid to hurt myself again and that is the reason I stay away. But thanks for your response.

Sorry to hear what you’ve gone through. Even a short relationship can bring up massive underlying issues if it hits those vulnerable psychological spots, especially from childhood. There’s nothing wrong with enjoying life single. However, you might consider finding a great therapist to help you work on the unresolved issues that were triggered by that relationship. If you can moderate those at least somewhat, then you might find you’re more able to handle the risks that come with intimacy.

I don’t do full therapy myself. But I do offer coaching where we can help you get a lot more clarity on the whole situation. So if you’re interested – or anyone else reading this is – send an email through the site and I’ll be happy to work with you. I’ll offer what help I can and I’ll try to help you find whatever other resources I think will be most helpful.

Kate

When someone is in the middle of a divorce, it’s likely they have a lot of conflicting feelings and drives. It may well be that he does have strong feelings about you and yet also is not ready for another commitment when he isn’t even yet out of his previous one, much less healed up from it and ready to move on. As tough as it is, you may just have to believe him at this time and decide if you feel it’s worth sticking with him until he’s processed this divorce (if it does, in fact, go through) and is really clear on what he wants next. It’s a risk and only you can decide if you trust him enough to take that risk.